Day 14-My Dad

Of all the people who have been most influential and helpful in my life, my dad belongs on top of the list. Even though I always think as my mom as my number one hero, which I was definitely blessed, my dad was her hero. He also is responsible for my education and has financially supported me for nearly every endeavor I’ve ever had.
Growing up my dad was always an intimidating figure. I was definitely closer to my mother than my dad, but it was my dad who carried the rod. My dad was the leader of the family, and he made most of the choices (I think with my mom’s input).
In one of the more fortunate twist of fate, a few years before my mom died I was traveled back home with my dad. At the time we were living in Indonesia, and my mom had decided to stay in Illinois to help my brother settle in college (I think mostly for her benefit, as he really didn’t need her). That left my dad and I to travel from Illinois to Indonesia, through Sydney.
I was thirteen, and at the time I hadn’t really spent much time with just the two of us. If you ever really want to know somebody, spend a few days with them by yourselves. Up until that time I had always been intimidated by my dad, and felt like I was a disappointment. That was a memorable trip, because we began to connect, and I finally realized that my dad was not some nebulous authority figure. He was a real person, who cared about me, but also had the same faults that other people had (part of this is being 13, and noticing faults is a specialty).
That trip paid dividends later, when or security blanket was lost (my mom). Both my dad and I have thought about that trip, and how fortunate it was in hindsight. That trip opened up the communication channels that were vitally needed once my mom died, and we really did need each other.
Even with that trip, my dad never saw eye to eye. My dad is a very logical person, and doesn’t deal with emotions, or anything that resembles that aura. He is the very essence of an engineer, and thinks concretely. It isn’t that he is uncaring, in fact he is an extremely caring person, it is just that he shows his love in completely different ways than I do.
I always knew whenever I needed him, he would be there. When I was broke and needed money to pay off my college tuition, he paid. When I had my knee surgery, and was nervous, he was took the day off and drove to Fresno. And yet, he wasn’t the type of person who would ever say “I’m proud of you.”
I know that it sounds cliché, but it is something that I’ve longed for all of my life. I always felt that I hadn’t lived up to his expectations, and as a result, I’ve always pushed myself. As I got older I realized that seeking his approval was actually a healthy thing. As long as I had that drive for perfection, I would never settle for something less.
I still remember an event in which we were playing softball, and my friends and I weren’t as serious about it as we should have been. Dad was quietly disappointed, and later said “If you aren’t going to try, why are you even doing it?” It is something that stuck with me (kind of like The Ballad of Ricky Bobby).
Of course I’m sure dad never realized I made that connection by my actions. I dreaded every report card, because whenever I felt disappointed in my grades, I always knew dad was going to follow. Ironically, when I received an F in geometry, and was sure that my dad was going to kill me, he said, “Geometry is hard, and you have to be careful.”
So to make a long story somewhat shorter, this Christmas I received a present that was thirty-eight years in the making. We were at an event with some of his friends, some of whom hadn’t met me. He introduced me, and I politely shook hands and shared the obligatory information about home and job (name, rank and serial number). Next thing I knew, my dad interjected that I did something pretty special, I taught special ed in a middle school. He said with such pride, and was truly proud to share. It was a moment that passed without much fanfare, but was a culmination of a lifelong drive for his approval.